I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
