Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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