So drunk its hurt
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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