Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
