I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
