So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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