I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
