I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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