She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
