So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
