Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
