I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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