You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
