My nipple is on Facebook.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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