are you so shy because you have an std?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
