i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
