ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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