Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
