she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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