take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?