I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
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I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.