My liver just broke up with me...
My cat gives me a boner
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
