Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
