she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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