dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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