god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
