I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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