And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
