false alarm. still invincible.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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