im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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