I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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