I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
