I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
