p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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