i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The Olympian is in my bed
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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