so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
