Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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