i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
