If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Houston, we have a blender
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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