she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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