the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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