Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
