How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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