Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
