So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
