Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
