if only i could text you this smell
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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