god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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