I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
