I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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