I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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