don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
