So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
