Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
