oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
