Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
