I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
