Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
last night I used snow as a chaser
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
